The top 5 questions I get asked as a sex and libido coach

As a sex and libido coach, I support women to step into an abundance of arousal, sensuality and pleasure by moving through shame, numbness and other blocks. Naturally, when you spend your days helping women to access their dream sex lives, you get asked some interesting questions, whether this is when I share what I do for a living at social gatherings or during my coaching sessions with clients.

I’m a strong believer in making information about sex and pleasure available to all. Here are the five most common questions that I get asked:

I feel shy speaking up for my desires in the bedroom, how can I start doing this?

This is a common challenge for many women, but practice makes perfect. Stand in front of a mirror and rehearse how you would request the things that you desire from your partner. As you do this, breathe deeply into your stomach and consider the different ways of wording what you want that feel authentic to you.

The best way to communicate in the bedroom is to frame your requests in a positive way. Sex can be a vulnerable experience, so to prevent your partner from feeling criticised, comment on the things that you do like.

Will I ever be able to feel the same amount of sexual excitement I felt when I was younger?

There are a few things that can result in women experiencing a decrease in sexual desire as they age. Hormonal changes from menopause, changes in physical appearance, lifestyle and becoming a parent all have the possibility of creating challenges around libido. However, this isn’t inevitable.

It is absolutely possible to combat all of these factors with a willingness to understand and feed your unique roadmap to turn-on (which will likely operate differently now to how it did when you were 20).

I often recommend my clients make a turn-on menu – a list of things that have the potential to get them turned on that they can refer to when they need an extra boost of desire.

Is my vibrator bad for me?

Vibrators can create a short-term numbing effect (just like how your arm would go numb if you tapped on it in the same spot for 10 minutes). They can also make it so easy to orgasm that you can forget how long it took you to climax before you purchased your toy. However, the common belief that vibrators will reduce your sensitivity over time has been proven to be untrue.

The important thing to consider is the relationship that you have with your vibrator. Is it something that you’re dependent on and use thoughtlessly? Or is it something you occasionally charge up as a treat to add something extra into your solo or partnered sexual experiences?

If you feel like your vibrator is taking away from your sexual experiences instead of adding to it, consider reducing how often you reach into your bedside table drawer.

Sex with my partner has started to feel very same-same, how can we spice things up?

I strongly believe that the reason most couples lose sexual novelty isn’t due to a lack of exciting ideas to try out, but instead due to shyness around voicing these suggestions.

Consider the fantasies that run through your mind while you’re masturbating, the kind of porn you love watching and the sex scenes in movies that have stuck with you. Then open up a relaxed and loving conversation with your partner where you express your interest in trying something new.

The worst thing that can happen is that your partner will say no. And who knows, your partner is probably sitting on some thrilling suggestions too.

What are some new ideas for foreplay that I can do with my partner beyond just making out?

Foreplay is particularly essential for women as it typically takes longer for us to get turned on than men. And the best foreplay is exciting, playful and not something you’ve done a hundred times before.

Play with putting obstacles between yourself and penetration to build up turn-on by setting a timer and spending 15 minutes exploring each other’s bodies without allowing any genital touch, or while keeping your underwear on.

To tap into the loving connection you have with your partner, you can also spend three minutes gazing into each other's eyes without speaking, which has been proven to enhance feelings of trust and sexual arousal.

*First published on stuff.co.nz