How to have the best sex of your life in 2024

As we approach 2024, many of us are considering how we can better ourselves in the new year. It’s likely that resolutions will include things such as eating better, committing to new hobbies or improving finances. But what about sex?

Setting yourself some pleasure resolutions to chip away at over the next 12 months can ensure that you don’t continue to push this part of your life down your list of priorities. Instead of the shame, frustration and conflict within your relationship that you may currently be experiencing, creating these resolutions will mean you’ll soon be able to reap the benefits of a strengthened connection with your partner. Additionally, you’ll gain gratitude for what your body is capable of and increased joy and confidence within yourself .

Whether you’re writing your pleasure resolutions solo or with a partner (or partners), I recommend that you start by reflecting on your sexual experiences during 2023. You can consider what sexual growth you’re proud of, your favourite sexy moments (and why you liked them so much), and what things have worked well that you want to bring into the new year with you.

Looking at the previous year through a positive lens, even if you need to focus on minute moments to find some positivity amongst your experiences, will help you to feel motivated and capable as you move forward with your resolutions.

However, it’s also beneficial to consider the things that haven’t worked for you. You can list out the aspects of your sex life that have led to arguments within your relationship or have made you feel stressed, ashamed or frustrated.

As you do this, remind yourself that just because you have experienced these things, it does not mean that you will continue to experience them, particularly if you’re committed to creating change.

It can also be relieving to know that, no matter what you’ve experienced, you’re not the only one. I see many clients who feel broken and alone in what they’re experiencing when, in fact, millions of other people are facing the same struggle. This realisation can diminish feelings of shame while also leading to the understanding that if so many people have experienced the same issues, there must be well-documented, easy-to-access solutions.

Now it’s time to turn this list of things which haven’t worked for you into your resolutions for 2024. Frame these in positive ways that highlight what you do want for yourself and your relationship, considering both the tangible changes that you want to see (like trying spanking for the first time or to have your first g-spot orgasm) as well as how you want to feel (confident, sexy, capable etc.).

You can take a moment here to feel excited about the prospect of what your sex life could look and feel like by this time next year.

An essential part of this process is to be realistic about the potential challenges that may present themselves along the way, an approach which has been proven to make goal-setting more successful. These could include a lack of knowledge about how to actually have the g-spot orgasms you’re desiring, or a shortage of time that will make it more challenging to have the quantity of sex you’re aspiring towards this coming year.

Making a note of these challenges then allows you to plan how to minimise the impact that they will have. You can consider the wealth of tools, resources and sources of support available to you that will make this process stress-free, enjoyable and exciting. This may include recruiting the guidance of a professional in this field who can hold you accountable to bringing your sexual goals to fruition by the end of the year while providing you with tailor-made solutions.

Write your sexual resolutions on a post-it note to live on your fridge or set reminders in your calendar to check on your progress throughout the year.

You’ll be amazed at how much you can achieve within just 12 months when you remain committed to your sexual transformation.

*First published on Stuff.co.nz

How to feel sexy during the Christmas rush

For many, Christmas is not a sexy time. It’s too often filled with seemingly endless amounts of cooking and cleaning before the inlaws arrive, while desperately trying to find enough activities to keep the kids entertained. However, with some intentionality, you can ensure that your sex life flourishes without it feeling like just another chore to add to your lengthy to-do list.

This is where tools like the 6-second kiss come in. This was coined by renowned therapist John Gottman, who discovered that swapping out a thoughtless peck for a deliberate six-second pash has significant benefits. While it may seem overly simplistic, this loving ritual boosts oxytocin and feelings of connection and trust, overall strengthening your relationship.

Amidst the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season, committing to daily kisses of this nature is an achievable way of nourishing your relationship when all you have is a few seconds to spare. This reinforced connection along with the anticipation that can be built through a lengthy kiss can then support you in feeling more eager to jump into bed together when you have more time on your hands.

To ensure that you do actually advance things into the bedroom, instead of prioritising the dishes that need to be done, scheduling sex is another great tool to bring in at this time of year.

There can be some initial concern that this approach could feel clinical or a fear that it will take the spontaneity out of sex. However, if you’re not spontaneously tearing your partner's clothes off at the moment anyway, this tactic ensures that sexual intimacy is being prioritised within your relationship. And there are ways to ensure that this remains sexy and exciting.

Decide together on a time when you can create a non-negotiable intimacy date that is prioritised above any other commitments that may arise. You might like to send a flirty Google Calendar invite or handwrite an invitation that includes a list of what your partner should wear (or not wear) as ways to make scheduling sex feel more light-hearted.

This approach allows you to intentionally build your pleasure throughout the day in preparation for your time together. For example, it may prompt you to slow down and notice sources of joy that otherwise go unnoticed, like the pleasure of holding a warm cup of coffee in your hand. Simple acts of mindfulness like this support you in turning your whole day into one big foreplay experience.

Knowing when you’re planning to get frisky also gives you the opportunity to engage in some steamy teasing, perhaps indulging your partner with a cheeky butt grab as you walk past or sending some naughty texts about what you have in store for them later.

Finally, it’s essential to understand the impact of the often-inevitable stress of the silly season on your sex life.

For the majority of people, stress drastically reduces their interest in sex. And unfortunately, while Christmas is intended to be a relaxing holiday, there’s often a lot of concern around budgeting, family conflicts and busy schedules.

While many of these sources of stress are unavoidable, what you can do is learn to process the stress more effectively. One of the best ways to do this is by ensuring that you’re exercising frequently. Taking the kids for a walk up to the park or the dog for a play at the beach in a moment of stress stimulates the production of endorphins and results in a greater state of relaxation that will benefit your arousal levels.

*First published on Stuff.co.nz

The top 5 questions I get asked as a sex and libido coach

As a sex and libido coach, I support women to step into an abundance of arousal, sensuality and pleasure by moving through shame, numbness and other blocks. Naturally, when you spend your days helping women to access their dream sex lives, you get asked some interesting questions, whether this is when I share what I do for a living at social gatherings or during my coaching sessions with clients.

I’m a strong believer in making information about sex and pleasure available to all. Here are the five most common questions that I get asked:

I feel shy speaking up for my desires in the bedroom, how can I start doing this?

This is a common challenge for many women, but practice makes perfect. Stand in front of a mirror and rehearse how you would request the things that you desire from your partner. As you do this, breathe deeply into your stomach and consider the different ways of wording what you want that feel authentic to you.

The best way to communicate in the bedroom is to frame your requests in a positive way. Sex can be a vulnerable experience, so to prevent your partner from feeling criticised, comment on the things that you do like.

Will I ever be able to feel the same amount of sexual excitement I felt when I was younger?

There are a few things that can result in women experiencing a decrease in sexual desire as they age. Hormonal changes from menopause, changes in physical appearance, lifestyle and becoming a parent all have the possibility of creating challenges around libido. However, this isn’t inevitable.

It is absolutely possible to combat all of these factors with a willingness to understand and feed your unique roadmap to turn-on (which will likely operate differently now to how it did when you were 20).

I often recommend my clients make a turn-on menu – a list of things that have the potential to get them turned on that they can refer to when they need an extra boost of desire.

Is my vibrator bad for me?

Vibrators can create a short-term numbing effect (just like how your arm would go numb if you tapped on it in the same spot for 10 minutes). They can also make it so easy to orgasm that you can forget how long it took you to climax before you purchased your toy. However, the common belief that vibrators will reduce your sensitivity over time has been proven to be untrue.

The important thing to consider is the relationship that you have with your vibrator. Is it something that you’re dependent on and use thoughtlessly? Or is it something you occasionally charge up as a treat to add something extra into your solo or partnered sexual experiences?

If you feel like your vibrator is taking away from your sexual experiences instead of adding to it, consider reducing how often you reach into your bedside table drawer.

Sex with my partner has started to feel very same-same, how can we spice things up?

I strongly believe that the reason most couples lose sexual novelty isn’t due to a lack of exciting ideas to try out, but instead due to shyness around voicing these suggestions.

Consider the fantasies that run through your mind while you’re masturbating, the kind of porn you love watching and the sex scenes in movies that have stuck with you. Then open up a relaxed and loving conversation with your partner where you express your interest in trying something new.

The worst thing that can happen is that your partner will say no. And who knows, your partner is probably sitting on some thrilling suggestions too.

What are some new ideas for foreplay that I can do with my partner beyond just making out?

Foreplay is particularly essential for women as it typically takes longer for us to get turned on than men. And the best foreplay is exciting, playful and not something you’ve done a hundred times before.

Play with putting obstacles between yourself and penetration to build up turn-on by setting a timer and spending 15 minutes exploring each other’s bodies without allowing any genital touch, or while keeping your underwear on.

To tap into the loving connection you have with your partner, you can also spend three minutes gazing into each other's eyes without speaking, which has been proven to enhance feelings of trust and sexual arousal.

*First published on stuff.co.nz

What to do if your partner wants more sex than you

When I first met this client - let’s call her Sasha - she felt guilty for not desiring sex as often as her husband. To her, sex felt like just another thing on her already long to-do list that she would have been content to forget about. However, she knew how important sex was to her higher-libido husband.

While it’s incredibly uncommon for libidos to match up perfectly throughout the full duration of a relationship, discrepancies in desire levels can still create many challenges for those involved.

The lower libido partner often fears being cheated on or broken up with due to the lack of sex in the relationship, while the higher libido partner can start to feel unloved or undesired after their advances are continually turned down.

This is what was occurring within Sasha’s relationship, and she’d come to me to seek help in restoring the stress-free and enjoyable state of her sex life, which had characterised the earlier stages of her marriage.

The first thing that I made sure she knew is that, regardless of how happy sex makes her husband, she never has to have it if she’s not fully on board.

The pressure that she was feeling to take responsibility for her husband’s sexual satisfaction even when she didn’t want sex herself was making sex feel like a chore. This was a perspective that we would need to rewrite if she was ever going to get the genuine enjoyment from it that her libido would need to thrive once more.

To do this, Sasha needed to reconsider the best ways to say ‘no’ to her husband while we did more behind-the-scenes work to reconnect her with her genuine desire for sex.

She had described that her current tactic for this was blunt, having done it so many times that she hardly thought about it now. So, we put together a few lines that she could say when she wasn’t in the mood that took into account how vulnerable attempting to initiate sex can be. They included reiterating that not wanting sex didn’t mean she didn’t love and desire her husband, along with suggestions of how they could compromise on something that met both of their needs.

Sasha also requested that her husband meet her in one of her love languages, words of affirmation.

She had been fearing that he would not want to stay in their marriage if they weren’t regularly having sex. To quell these concerns, she requested that he periodically remind her that he loved her regardless of what was happening in their sex life and that they were in this journey of sexual evolution together as a team.

This took more pressure off Sasha, which in turn creates space for turn-on and pleasure to grow.

As part of this discussion, they talked about their other preferred love languages and committed to incorporating more platonic physical touch into their relationship. They began to implement this on weekend mornings, when neither of them had to rush off to work and they had the luxury of being able to stay in bed and cuddle together.

Cuddling and kissing was something that had diminished within their relationship, as Sasha found herself avoiding it out of fear that her husband would want to go further than that. Now, she was able to communicate what her boundaries were ahead of time so that they could enjoy this time together. The physical closeness and lack of pressure even allowed Sasha to access her desire for sex on some of these mornings.

The tools of communication, compromise, and connection through various love languages helped alleviate tension from their relationship. This, combined with the efforts Sasha and I put into generating new foreplay ideas, enhancing her sense of safety during intimacy, and addressing past issues in the relationship, enabled the couple to rebuild a sex life they could once again take pride in.

*Originally published at Stuff.co.nz